I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
