Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
