We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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