I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
