I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
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I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize