was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
