Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
