he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
