Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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