after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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