Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
