yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
