I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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