his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
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Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment