sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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