so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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