he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
this just has baby written all over it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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