So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
