Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
