4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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