This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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