You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
