I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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