I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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