I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
