My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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