I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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