Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
