please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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