im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
