Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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