i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
