Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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