Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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