Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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