i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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