She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
