fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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