Tell her she can't have a vagina
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
