You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i think i just lost a toe
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
