I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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