I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
