this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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