I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
