I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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