i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
