You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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