I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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