where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
