How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
