My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
