im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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