...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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