Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
