He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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