so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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