Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What a dumb baby whore.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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